Health

If we’ve ever gone on a diet, it’s probably an unhealthy one. Not just ‘cuz a lot of us probably go to extremes (I once ate nothing but canteloupe all day every day for every meal for a few months), but because most “diets” –like the SlimFast one for instance– aren’t about nutrition, they’re about preventing you from enjoying food and getting you to lose weight b/c, well, you’re not eating. And anyone who doesn’t eat, loses weight. It’s the natural order of things.

So, I tried the South Beach Diet. It’s about teaching you how to eat properly. It’s about cleaning out your system in a healthy way. It’s tough at first, but because it’s tough you know it’s working. Then after the first two weeks of rigorous no-sugar, no-carb eating, you start to introduce good sugars and good carbs.

The South Beach Diet is about changing the way you live your life, not just losing weight (I lost 5 pounds the first week, by the way, no lie), but it’s about learning how to eat right. It’s a change, really, that’ll last you your whole life.

And, since I’m a total foodie, it’s great because it doesn’t limit you at all, it just forces you to be creative. And healthy, of course.

Several months ago, I read a book called Life Without Ed by Jenni Schaefer. In this book, the author and her therapist talk about how she beat her eating disorder (which she calls “Ed;” the origin of this name is obvious) by viewing it as a relationship. This allowed her to separate “Jenni” (what my nutritionist refers to as the “healthy voice”) and “Ed” (what my therapist calls “eating disorder thoughts”). It may seem odd to think of a mental condition as if it were another person, but once I got used to it, it became a vital tool in discerning what “Ed” wants and what “Suzy” wants and recognizing the techniques Ed uses to manipulate me. I even started writing down conversations with Ed in my journal. A typical conversation between Ed and me may go:

Suzy: Ed, you are abusive, controlling, and mean. I don’t want to stay with you anymore. I want to see the trees swaying in the wind again and feel my hair blowing in my face. I don’t like being so numb.

Ed: Don’t start quoting Jenni Schaefer again. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Remember all those stories about how frightening and painful her recovery was?

Suzy: She said it was worth it.

Ed: Worth what? Becoming a big fat pig? [“Big fat pig” is Ed’s signature phrase.] Is that really what you want? It’s certainly not what I want for you.

Suzy: I’m aware of that.

Ed: So what are you going to do?

Suzy: I don’t know, Ed. You always promise me that once I listen to you, you will make me feel powerful, in control, and perfect, and I will be on top of the world because everyone will admire me, I’ll be superior, and I won’t be able to feel pain anymore.

Ed: Sheesh, then what’s the issue?

Suzy: The issue, Ed, is that when I listen to you I often feel hopeless, depleted, and out of control.

Ed: Suzy, Suzy, you are making this seem so complicated. But it’s actually quite simple. You are confused. You need guidance. I will give you it and you will feel completely in control again. But in order to gain that feeling, you must listen to everything I say. First of all, you must NOT eat breakfast tomorrow (unless you want to become a big fat pig, that is). Second of all, when your mom forces you to eat lunch, make sure it’s something low calorie (soup and/or salad is usually a good option). DO NOT eat soup unless you know the exact calorie count, though! Sometimes they say things like “healthy choice” or “low-fat,” but that can be misleading! Then, when you go out to dinner with your friend Camille, you must order salad and nothing else. And if you eat more than 2/3 of your plate, you are Little Miss Piggy. And whatever you do, do not, do not, do not eat after dinner. If you do, then you won’t go to bed hungry and the food will just sit in your stomach and turn into fat!

Suzy: Are you sure this all will make me thin and okay, Ed?

Ed: Of course it will, but just to make sure, weigh yourself. Since your stupid parents threw away the scale, you must weigh yourself in a friend’s bathroom.

Suzy: Okay. I’m really hoping I’ll start feeling confident and happy again.

Ed: You will, you will, all in due time. By the way, Suzy, you may want to set your alarm to make sure you wake up before your parents get home. Then, you can lie to them and say you ate breakfast while they were away.

Suzy: Okay, I will, don’t worry about it.

Ed: Alright. Goodnight, then, honey. And have bad dreams. After all, stress burns calories!!

How awful and controlling is Ed? We need to break up.

My name is Suzy and I am currently undergoing intensive outpatient treatment for an eating disorder I have struggled with for the past two and a half years. I intend to write about my journey through recovery every few days to provide readers with information about eating disorder treatment, insight into how the eating-disordered mind works, reflections on the ways in which our culture treats these issues, and some advice for readers to deal with their own problems with food or weight (after all, food and weight problems are far from rare).

You may ask why I chose to write about such a touchy topic, one that often makes people uncomfortable or even stressed. The truth is that eating disorders receive a lot of attention in our society, but often in negative ways. How often has you or one of your friends pointed to a model in a magazine, cringed, and said, “She is so anorexic.” Or cracked a joke about somebody practicing dangerous dieting rituals (“what does a bulimic call two fingers? Dessert!”). Often, these portrayals are degrading, false, and uneducated. Even if you know somebody suffering from this type of illness, it is unlikely that you truly understand what is going on in that person’s head. I am trying to provide the key to unlock my head as I undergo the recovery process. I will not discuss in detail what I ate or did around food, or my weight or my appearance, because frankly, there is too much emphasis on this aspect of eating disorders in our education and society. The truth is that disordered eating and thinking is about suppressing feelings, gaining a sense of control, and dealing with low self-esteem. I also believe there is a notion in this culture that individuals with eating disorders are shallow or stupid; this could not be more false (in fact, a common characteristic of individuals with anorexia nervosa is high intelligence). So before you judge, laugh, or cringe, take a second instead to pause, read, explore, and learn. You may be surprised by what you discover.